Another year...

And let’s hope this is a good one for all. I am still reeling from tragic events of last year, beginning with horribly sad news around Labor Day weekend, with another blow the week before Thanksgiving, and then we had an un-Christmas-y December because of a very bad cold that I could not shake off. Way before New Year’s Eve, I was wishing away the remnants of last year.

If I could turn back the clock a few years, I would have made changes... made amends... made a difference in the way family matters were discussed and resolved. In the belief that keeping secrets to safeguard the memory of the deceased, I chose not to disclose facts that could have made my actions better understood by the one that mattered most to me. And now the one that mattered most is no longer here. More than ever before, I am hoping that there is an afterlife so I can explain. For the past few months, I have explained and apologized in my head and in my heart at least a thousand times... it doesn’t seem to work because I cannot be certain that my words are heard. The life that was lost was too short, much too short. I will forever blame the gods of the universe for ending that life.

And life here goes on.... the kittens Julius and Peaches have suddenly grown into cats. As I type, Julius is purring on my lap with his paw resting on my wrist. Sweet Pea is sitting next to the iPad, and Peaches is asleep by my feet. Such good cats, all three. Savannah spent an hour with a dog trainer this past week, with hopes of alleviating some of her fears about the on-going and hardly-ever-ceasing gunshots and fireworks from the neighbors across the road. Those people seem to celebrate everything with noise, reckless and thoughtless noise. I tried to accept, to be nice, to be neighborly. It worked for a while, but now I am done. Just done. I guess I expected a miracle from the dog trainer, but that’s not going to happen. The initial fireworks from those neighbors, which sent Savannah running wildly into the woods and being lost for twelve days, has made such an imprint on her that it has become part of her personality. That was over two years ago. To this day, Savannah does not walk down our driveway without first stopping to stare across the road, making sure not a person or a vehicle is moving on that property. Savannah is happiest when she is in the house, and for as long as we live here I don’t think that will ever change.

Winter Break has ended and the kids are back in school now. My after-school Book Club will begin again in two weeks. My tote bags are already filled with books for the fifth and sixth grade students. Those kids make me smile. Even when they are being disruptive because their minds get filled with silly ideas, I still have to smile at their enthusiasm.