Tuesday stuff.

It's been hot. H. O. T. Translation: over 100 degrees... and once it gets that hot, do the numbers really matter? Can we really tell the difference between 102 and 106? The ponds are still dry.... the fields aren't thigh-high with grass, so this season's crop of hay will be much less than what it was last year at this time. My friend J told me this afternoon that it rained in Clear Lake..... we didn't get one little drop here in the Hill Country.

Our up-the-road neighbors J & G have arrived from the north. They usually spend the month of June here, then head back to Yankee Land. Not this time. Their house in Pennsylvania is sold... their house here will forever be home, along with everything that goes along with it-- cows and (sometimes) raccoons & possums and (definitely) coyotes and (most likely) snakes and (maybe) foxes and (certainly) fire ants. Home Sweet Wildlife and Critter Surrounded Home. Yeeeee-haaaaaw.

My husband and I went into town late this afternoon...... went out for dinner and then to the supermarket for groceries. On the way back, as we drove down the lane towards our house, a mama raccoon and four little baby raccoons crossed from one side of the woods to the other. Just like a cat, that mama raccoon came out of the woods, not looking left or right.... and a split-second later, the four little babies followed. So cute, those baby raccoons. No matter the species, all the babies are cute. (Except snake-babies. Nothing cute there.)

My cousin F is having computer problems this week...... a severe rain storm caused her power to go out over the weekend, and along with it went her telephone, television and computer. The first two are back up and working, the computer is resting comfortably. (Translation: not working at all.) My 'in box' has been empty these last few days. As empty as the rain-deprived ponds in the Hill Country here.

I spent some time wrapping up baby gifts for Fran's granddaughter.... into the boxes they went.... out to the post office they will go the next time I'm in town. I will be looking for little-girl gifts every time I'm in a store from here on out. Just doing what Fran would have done for that little baby girl. I could still just scream. I try not to think about it all. That doesn't always work. I looked through our wedding album the other day... there was a photo of me and Fran.... standing together, laughing, smiling. I took the photo out of the album and put it in a little frame where I can see it every day.

It's amazing to me that when Fran was alive, I didn't have to look at her picture. I knew what she looked like. I've known her face, her 'look,' her style, from high school days. But now that she's gone, it's like I need to see her picture. She looked beautiful at our wedding..... happy and healthy.... not a care in the world. Cancer was definitely not in her universe on the day that picture was taken.

When my friend Frankie passed away, I was saddened by her death. Frankie also died from smoking. I was sad when Frankie died, but not like this. Frankie had lived a good long life... she said so herself.... her only regret was smoking. Before she died, she told me to tell everyone I knew not to smoke. And the few people who did smoke-- I told them that Frankie suggested they quit. I said those very words to Fran over the phone. And Fran's answer was the same answer she had given all through the years when anyone who loved her asked her to give up cigarettes. She would say: "I would if I could, but I can't. I enjoy my cigarettes, especially the late-night smokes, and my cigarettes after a good dinner."

But... when Fran found out she had throat cancer, her answer changed. She said her biggest regret was her 'first cigarette' because there was 'no stopping' herself after that first one. During one late-night phone call from NY to TX, Fran was crying and said she wished she could 'take them all back.... take back all those cigarettes....' She herself couldn't believe how her 'favorite little vice' had 'betrayed' her body.

And here we all are.... all of us who loved Fran...... her we are without her, and her brand new baby granddaughter is here with us all, and we don't have Fran to share in this little baby bundle of joy.

I need to stop this. I need to stop thinking of the negatives... and start remembering all the positives. I need to think of those words on the card from the funeral parlor: I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.... I'd like to leave an echo... of happy times and laughing times..... of happy memories that I leave when life is done.